Looking in the future back in 1996. Click the comic for better gazing.
Tojo’s Jacket
I met Connie in Bobby Biedrzycki’s class. Karl and Connie met at J. Walter Thompson. Connie was a copywriter, and Karl was an illustrator. Their friendship and their division of labor has continued to this day.
I loved my Dad’s younger brother, Jack. He was just a really nice guy.
He was a career U.S. Army sergeant in military intelligence and when he came through Chicago on his way to yet another post, the world lit up for me like a meteor shower.
He once took me and my friends to Rainbow Roller Rink and afterwards bought ice cream for all of us.
I was proud of how handsome he looked in his crisply-pressed khaki U.S. Army uniform and how he made everyone laugh.
Once, he won a Victorian doll with silk hair and a hand-painted face, as a door prize overseas, and he hand-carried the delicate lady, dressed in a long, burgundy organza skirt and gave it to me on his way to being stationed at Ft. Knox, Kentucky.
I still have it to this day.
My Dad drove us all down to Kentucky to visit Uncle Jack later that summer, and a funny thing happened right off the bat.
My brother and I both spotted these two signs over the drinking fountains at the same time:
WHITE
COLORED
Then, all hell broke loose as we kicked and pushed and shoved each other to get out of the car.
We made a mad dash to the COLORED fountain. I got there first and turned the knob as my brother howled and screamed his head off in red-faced anger.
But, to our huge disappointment, the water was not colored at all.
“You broke it with your fat fingers,” whimpered my brother Robert through his hiccup tears.
Maybe I did.
We kept trying, but the damn thing never worked right the whole time we were there and only dispensed regular clear water. We were hoping someone would come fix it and wondered what color the water would be. We longed for strawberry or cherry but grape would have been OK with us, too.
Anyway, back to Uncle Jack.
I knew that he always had to have two burly blonde body guards walk around with him when he was stationed in Japan (in case his fellow G.I.s thought he was the enemy and shot him by mistake.)
My Uncle Jack was a Japanese language interpreter. The only problem with that idea was that he was born in California and really did not know Japanese very well–certainly not the polite forms and customs that one is supposed to use with royalty and big shots. My Uncle Jack most likely did not even understand the structure of the English language, let alone Japanese with its own writing system and subtle nuances.
The U.S. Army also futilely tried to teach my Uncle Jack to speak Korean in the next war, but that’s another story.
Anyway, when General Tojo was captured by U.S. forces, Uncle Jack told me that they brought him in to question the infamous military man who immediately proceeded to try and kill himself.
The family joke is that Tojo probably listened to my Uncle Jack’s fractured Japanese and decided to end it all before Jack could mispronounce another word or worse.
Uncle Jack said that he and Tojo eventually got to be sort of friendly in the last few days after the big trial, and before he was executed.
My Uncle Jack told me lots of stories like this one in his retirement years at Seaside, California.
But, one story has made its nest in my head.
Uncle Jack said that Tojo gave him his blessing for being an American who was about to hang him. Tojo said it was OK and that Uncle Jack was an American and not really Japanese.
Then a strange thing happened.
My Uncle Jack asked Tojo if he would give him his military jacket.
As a souvenir or remembrance?
I don’t know.
Anyway, Tojo stood up and came to full attention in his drab execution garb and said that his uniform belonged to his majesty, the Imperial Emperor, and could not be given to an American soldier.
Then, Tojo softened up a little.He looked at my Uncle Jack and told him that if he happened to find the jacket in the garbage can in the corner later, then there would be nothing he could do if Jack took it.
So, that’s what Uncle Jack did.
He brought Tojo’s jacket back to California with him on a boat along with a new bride, my Aunt Hana.
I asked Uncle Jack if he still had the jacket and if I could see it?
“Nope,” Jack told me offhandedly as if he did not really care very much.
It seems a cousin, on the Kaku side of the family, asked if he could borrow Tojo’s jacket to show to some friends.
He never brought it back.And no one knows what happened to Tojo’s jacket except that it got as far as Lindsay, California and disappeared.
So, maybe Tojo’s jacket will suddenly appear one day on eBay.
But, like the colored fountain that never produced colored water, I guess it is one of those things that maybe really happened or maybe didn’t.

Syliva & Nicole Want To Know
Do you follow Bad Girl Chats? If you haven’t already shared last week, please tell us what kind of reader you are.
There have been some great responses so far! Three of the best will win a BadGirl tee. Nicole fancies herself a social scientist, and Sylvia wants a large pool of contestants so that the contest is fun.

For previous responses, i.e., ‘the competition,’ check out: http://www.badgirlchats.com/profiling-csi/
Two Men Go Into A Bar
I read an article a couple of months ago that said Viagra sales had gone down. I remember when that drug was going to make an endless fortune for pharmaceutical houses. Even women were going to use it. Everyone was going to have endless fabulous sex. I forget why it didn’t turn out to be as popular as Tums, but it didn’t. It came to me the other day that Viagra could be a bonus word for the Sylvia School of Writing.
Students, please use the bonus word 2 more times in completing this story.
He slumped on the barstool. “I’m depressed. No one’s using Niagara any more.” “Don’t you mean Viagra?” I asked censoriously. “No, Niagara, like in Niagara Falls. You know, huge, powerful…you go there on your honeymoon.” “Niagara’s the name of a spray starch, you idiot,” I shouted. “That’s an easy mistake to make,” he said, “but I think I know the name of the product I used to sell for a living.” He reached into his pocket and handed me a pill. “You seem a little angry,” he said. “Have a Zantac, it’ll calm you down.”

Further Adventures With Young Cartoonists
Sarah Becan (http://www.sauceome.com/?p=1164), whose work appeared here a few months ago, has sent us a cartoon by her friend Beck Kramer for your reading pleasure. Thank you Sarah and thank you Beck. All of you cartoonists out there please do submit your work to badgirlchats.com.
Did You Enter the BadGirlChats Unintentionally Funny Headline Contest?

An example of an unintentionally funny headline
Did you enter the BadGirlChats Unintentionally Funny Headline Contest?
BadGirlChats readers, we are once again looking through our entries and deciding a winner for the BadGirlChats Unintentionally Funny Headline Contest. Our previous entrants proved exceptional in every way, but only one Richard Bready took home the grand prize. Here are our brave contestants. Who will win? Help Sylvia and Nicole decide by leaving your favorite headline in the comments section below.
BadGirls Contestant #1: Linda
“Walking while intoxicated can be a high-risk activity”
BadGirls Contestant #2: Jeri Krohn
Fox News Posts Onion Obama Story Amid Real News
Says Jeri: “This one made my day – that Faux News is so into bad Obama stories they’ll print an Onion story as the truth. It was pulled pretty quickly, but not fast enough.”
Contestant #3: Lisa Schafer
The original headline for this story read: “The first lady’s taking her gloves off.”
-Michelle Obama, while reading “The Night Before Christmas” on CBS News
Unfortunately since this was submitted, CBS caught the error and changed the headline to “Michelle Obama’s Christmas Mistake.”
Contestant #4: Jamie Young
“Your Kitchen Sink Decor Reflects Your Personal Style”
Says Jamie: “This is in the description of an item on sale in eBay, the # of the item is 270674071711. It’s main title description is: ‘Pink Ribbon Find the Cure for Breast Cancer, Kitchen Decor Sink Drain Strainer/Stopper.’ The same seller, sincerelyyoursflorist, also has sink strainers with Nascar Racing Flags, a martini glass, a Red Hat, a Jack-o-Lantern and MORE!!”
BadGirls Contestant Emeritus: Richard Bready, Winner of the Previous BadGirlChats Funny Headline Contest
Says Richard: “My prize is retired, but I did like The Guardian’s ‘Undercover Police Cleared for Sex.’ It’s no longer up on their site, but you can still read it by clicking HERE.”
Sylvia and the cats will select the winners soon, so do hurry.
Nicole Hollander Plays With Words: Word Lists from the New York Times and The Nation
Both the New York Times and The Nation came out with a new list of new buzzwords that entered our popular culture in 2010. I used to get great pleasure out of taking a word or phrase that was well known and use it in a completely unrelated to reality way. I would start a story with the words in the Sylvia School of Writing and ask my students to complete the story in 500 words or less using the new word 3 more times. See some examples below from the new lists. If you are moved to use a new word in a new way, please do.
Here are some of the word on the New York Times list: Vuvuzela, enhanced pat down, the Justin Beiber, coffice, mansplainer, mamma grizzly, poutrage, robosigner and put-back , junk shot, and GZM. Click HERE to read the article “The Words of the Year” in the New York Times.
Here are the words on The Nation‘s list: Mamma Grizzly, man up, death panel, The Constitution!, deficit, tax cuts for all Americans, Government Takeover of Health Care, This is a blue car, Change that matters and Blue D logo, Teabagger, False Equivalency, Driving the car into the ditch, the right side of history, Sarah Palin. Click HERE to read the article “The Top Political Buzzwords of 2010″ in The Nation.
Two More Contestants for the BadGirlChats Funny Headline Contest
Wow! Two more contestants for the Unintentionally Funny Headline Contest. The competition is heating up.
Contestant #1: Lisa Schafer
“The first lady’s taking her gloves off”
-Michelle Obama, while reading “The Night Before Christmas” on CBS News
Contestant #2: Jamie Young
“Your Kitchen Sink Decor Reflects Your Personal Style”
This is in the description of an item on sale in eBay, the # of the item is 270674071711. It’s main title description is: “Pink Ribbon Find the Cure for Breast Cancer, Kitchen Decor Sink Drain Strainer/Stopper. The same seller, sincerelyyoursflorist, also has sink strainers with Nascar Racing Flags, a martini glass, a Red Hat, a Jack-o-Lantern and MORE!!
Get your entries in while we consider what prizes to offer. Click here to enter the Unintentionally Funny Headline Contest. Of course the competition is its own reward, right?
Sylvia Announces the Big Winner of Both the Unflattering Photo Contest and the Unintentionally Funny Headline Contest
It is with great pleasure that Sylvia announces the winner of both of our contests: Richard Bready.
What are the chances of someone winning both? It’s like hitting the ball out of the park and winning the Powerball, Mega Millions, Lotto and Little Lotto all at once!
Here’s the winning photo, entitled They only come out at night
Richard also wins The Most Unintentionally Funny Headline of the Last Month Contest with this headline:
Tom Delay finds possible prison term of 99 years very disappointing
Dear Procrastinators,
See what happens when you wait too long? You meant to do it. You were going to do it. You almost did it. And now Richard won everything. Oh well, next time, right, that’s what you tell yourself?
Love,
Syl










